LifeBooks: Every Foster Child Needs One
Foster children so often have that sense of missing pieces. I should know.
I spent my first 5 months in foster care, before being adopted.
Information is gold to any child separated from their biological
family. Every tiny piece is precious, whether
it's a photo or quote from a child's first foster parent.
LifeBooks help put all the pieces together in a way that helps a child make
sense and ultimately feel good about his or her history.
"...My
second foster family reported that I used to make these funny lip smacking sounds as a
baby...and that the entire family would watch and laugh.
This is one of my favorite pieces of information, discovered in my foster
care notes..." (Beth O'Malley)
This story never appeared in any LifeBook. Instead, my foster parents took the time to share
it with my social worker. She found the time
to write it in her case notes. The adoption
agency then managed to hold onto my case record for 35 years. And the post adoption social worker thought I
might find the anecdote amusing.
Talk about teamwork. I'm grateful that every person followed through,
giving me this "baby picture" in words that I carry in my heart today.
I'm convinced that my entire life would have been different if I had
been given a LifeBook. The absence of
information on my birth family meant I had nothing with which to connect with my history. A blank screen.
A feeling of floating, or that numb sensation that so many foster children
later describe.
"...LifeBooks
remain important to my children...They show that their biological connections are still
important...They will never be forgotten..." (Michelle Braxton, single
foster/adoptive mother of seven)
Imagine what would be important to you 10 or 20 years later in life. Including school papers, awards, copies of report
cards, the birth certificate, locks of baby hair, baby teeth, and mementos increases a
LifeBook's value. These volumes will fill in
gaps, with words, art work, and photos, if available.
Your words can create pictures if none are available.
Speaking of pictures, can you imagine going through life without ever
knowing what your mother or father looked like? Foster
parents often have the unique opportunity to get photos of birth parents. Foster mother Sandy Parker shared the following
story:
"...I
took three-year-old David for a visit with his birth mother while she was incarcerated. They didn't allow cameras inside the facility. Shortly thereafter she was released, overdosed,
and died. So I learned a lesson. At the next visit with a different child I took
pictures...His birth mother also died abruptly, but Sam will know what she looked
like!"
One foster parent recently lamented that with five foster children, one
being medically involved, coupled with caring for an aging parent and her 150-pound dog,
she didn't always have the time to complete her children's LifeBooks. It is a tall order.
A team approach to LifeBooks may be the wave of the future. If foster parents can capture a few pages of the
child's life, perhaps grabbing a picture of the birth family (regardless of the goal),
then the LifeBook has begun. Social workers
and/or therapists can add in additional information.
Don't forget the birth certificate, which children in foster situations love
at any age.
Here
are a few suggestions from Dr. Vera Fahlberg, national adoption expert:
-
start with the child's birth
-
always discuss the birth mother and birth father (even if you know nothing, say you don't
know)
-
talk about the reason for separation from the biological family
At the age of six, I decided that my birth parents had died in a plane
crash in Africa. I didn't tell a soul. Then I changed the story...but it was still one
that featured death. Children with histories
of abuse and neglect usually take it further. They
somehow believe that they are responsible for being separated from their birth families. This separation was, as one little boy supposed,
"because I was bad?" It's the power
of magical thinking.
Remember the children's rhyme, "Step on a crack, break your
mother's back"? Children believe that
they are the center of the universe and so very powerful.
Maybe they were moved because they wet the bed that night...the damaging
speculation is endless.
LifeBooks help reduce magical thinking and fantasy. This frees up a foster child to pay better
attention in school or be more available to focus on developing painting skills or playing
soccer.
LifeBooks help answer questions, increase self-esteem, and teach
children the truth. They are the ultimate
teaching tool.
LifeBook facts become "memory pegs," says Mimi Robins,
originator of LifeBooks in Massachusetts. If
children are given the basics, the essentials, then hours of therapy later in life can be
saved.
Children need to feel proud of their strengths and those of their birth
parents. A LifeBook page on birth parents
really helps in those tough adolescent years when identity issues begin to peak. Foster care periods are often the only time when
birth parents are usually available to answer questions and discuss talents and hobbies.
Another foster parent advantage is that you can create beautiful
LifeBook pages in a very short time. You
don't have to do an entire book if other commitments call.
Grab a few pieces of nice paper, a couple of pictures, and a handful of
markers, and in ten minutes you're done. Nothing
fancy, yet it will feel like a treasure to that child.
If you're a scrapbooker, you already create beautiful albums. Add lots of journaling and some "warm,
fuzzy" facts about the little things that a child enjoyed in your home. However, don't get caught up in creating the
"perfect" LifeBook. After all, the
only real mistake you can make is not to begin one.
The ultimate magic to creating a treasured LifeBook is to start it,
work on it with a child, and give it to him or her, or to the social worker, when the
child moves on. (Making pages with a child is
really the best way to do a LifeBook-it promotes attachment, builds trust, and can be so
much fun.) Even if it only has five pages, it
is tangible proof to that child that s/he is precious enough to deserve this treasure.
By Beth O'Malley, M.Ed., former foster baby, adoption worker, author of
LifeBooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child and My Foster Care Journey and For
When I'm Famous: A teen foster/adoption lifebook 1-800-469-9666,
www.adoptionlifebooks.com, or lifebooks@earthlink.net.
copyright
(c)1/1/2001 Beth O'Malley
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