I believe that LifeBooks are magic. What other book totally changes over time yet you never touch a page? Each stage that your child enters gives them a new perspective on their LifeBook and what it means to be adopted.

Sounds simple. It is. Easy to write? Maybe--maybe not. But read on and learn why this is a priceless gift for your child.

I heard one old wise social worker explain that families are really a child’s LifeBook. After all, they hold onto the cute baby stories, nicknames, and funny stories, which come out when a family meets the first boy/girl friend. When a child loses their biological family they also lose their original LifeBook. Makes sense doesn’t it? It becomes your job to help them replace it.

The stories and photos abound once a child enters their family. (How many boxes of pictures do you have stored away?) But that’s not the child’s beginning. Imagine a picture of someone that gets cut off at the knees. This is what it feels like not to have or to discuss your history. Foster/adoptees end up with a floating or numb sensation with no past history or roots. I should know.

I spent my first five months in foster care before getting adopted. I listened carefully to the silence that was to follow for most of my childhood regarding adoption. " Who am I? How am I a part of this family? were the questions I never found words for.

Adoptees so often have that sense of missing pieces. LifeBooks fill in the gap with words, artwork, and photos if available. The words will create pictures when none exist.

At the age of six I decided that my birth parents died in a plane crash in Africa. I didn’t tell a soul. Then I changed the story. It was always death. Adopted children often have secret thoughts about why they were adopted. Many believe that somehow they are responsible for the separation from their birth family. It’s the power of magical thinking.

Remember the children’s rhyme " step on a crack break your mother’s back"? Children believe that they are the center of the universe and so very powerful Maybe they were moved from the orphanage/foster home/birth family because they wet the bed that night…or cried too much…The damaging self talk is endless. LifeBooks help answer the questions, increase self-esteem, and teach children the truth.

The truth being that it’s a grown up’s job to take care of the little boy or girl….to make sure that they are safe and have enough food, good baby sitters, and hugs…. It’s not the kid’s fault.

If your child was adopted internationally then a discussion of the birth country’s conditions and/or rules are critical. LifeBooks are the ultimate teaching tool, which can save hours of therapy later in life.

LifeBook facts become " memory pegs" says Mimi Robins, originator in the mid 1970’s of LifeBooks in Massachusetts. Give them the basics so they can experience different feelings at different points in their life. Use non-judgmental language, which is age appropriate. And do it in a way so that they are the star. Celebrate their resiliency and survival.

Also, teach your own dreams. Feel the freedom to share your vision for your child and family.

Remind your children of the ways they are connected to their adoptive family despite not looking alike. This may be in the form of similar voice patterns, talents, food choices or interests. It took me 45 years to figure out that I got my dry sense of humor from my adoptive father. (OK so I was a little slow) Every North Carolina family reunion I attend reminds me that genetics are not the only way to pass on family values. Never assume that your child knows these things.

Celebrate the strengths both in your child and their birth parents. As Corinne Rayburn LCSW, Co-Director at the Center for Family Connections, says, " birth family are like in laws…you didn’t pick them but have to live with them." If you don’t have any information, then look to your child’s talents and wonder if perhaps they got their artistic talents from that unknown birth father.

This type of LifeBook page really helps out with those tough adolescent years when identity issues begin to peak. The more your child knows the more that s/he will feel "real."

Some would argue "Our family is very open and always talks about adoption/foster care so why write it down?" Because a book that you and your child can pick up and hold gives the foster/adoptee control over his/her own story. They can look at it when the urge hits them, not when you are inspired. It becomes symbolic for adoption discussion. It’s like an adoption security blanket.

"OK I’m starting to become convinced of how important this is. Where do you begin?" Here are a few suggestions from Dr. Vera Fahlberg, adoption expert:

I also like to include the original birth certificate (if available). This official record of their life always fascinates children of any age. Court papers or official records will suffice if no birth certificate is available.

So once you have laid the foundation with birth history, then add the fun part, the time when they joined your family. LifeBooks become worn and torn and more beautiful with age. Don’t get caught up in creating the "perfect" LifeBook. After all, the only real mistake you can make is not to finish.

The ultimate MAGIC to creating a treasured LifeBook is to start it, work on it as a family, and give it your child. Even if it only has five pages, it is tangible proof to your child that s/he is precious enough to deserve this life treasure.